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2009-12-14T00:54:00.000-08:00

Attracting and Seducing Women: How to Use ‘Option Limitation’ to Maximise YourSuccess

2009-09-09T15:52:00.000-07:00

Subject Title: Getting girls to feel an attraction for you - that isn’t simply based on your looks, the contents of yourwallet or the car you’ve got parked outside - can be really tricky. After all, how are men supposed to know what each girl’s looking for without asking? If you DID ask, you know your chances would be small, after all, no girl wants a guy approaching her with needy questions - she wants a confident man who somehow seems to know what she’s after and can give it to her.So how do you do it? How do you become the man that effortlessly exudes confidence, dominance and presence, without turning into an arrogant poser or desperate wannabe? The answer lies in psychology. It’s at the heart of all persuasive social situations, and absolutely centralto the success of any guy’s attempts at attracting and seducing women. Quite simply, by learning theCORRECT psychological rules, principles and tactics, any guy can play and WIN at the game ofseduction. For example, let’s look at one such psychological technique, that used correctly boosts anyguy’s chance of getting a girl’s number or hooking up with her at a later date by at least 50%, each andevery time he uses it. It’s called option limitation and works on the following principle of humannature:When someone’s presented with only a single choice, often their natural reaction will be to rebelagainst it and go their own way. However, when given 2 or 3 options, the opposite occurs: they feeltheir intellectual freedom has been respected and they make their choice from the variety of optionsthey’ve been presented with.You can use this universal psychological principle when picking-up or seducing a woman by carefullyconstructing how you pose important questions or phrases while talking to her.For example, most men think saying: “Can I have your number?” is an okay way to finish aconversation that’s gone well with a girl. But a much more powerful and effective way of saying thesame thing would be to use option limitation. Something like: “It’s been nice to meet you. Shall weswap numbers or maybe grab a bite to eat and a drink tomorrow?” What you’re doing is presenting thegirl with a choice between good and better – whichever she says yes to, you win. If you only give herone option, as in the first example, she’s likely to create her own alternative, which means there’s achance she won’t say yes to the option you gave her. When she subconsciously recognises that she’sbeen given a choice between multiple outcomes, she feels her intellectual freedom has been respectedand she chooses one of them.So, always use option limitation to give the impression there’s a variety of options available to the girl– even though each one is fine as far as you’re concerned. And to strengthen the effect of optionlimitation, always try to separate the choices you give the girl with the word “or.” When people hear“or” they automatically recognise that they need to make a choice, and therefore do just that.Option limitation is just one example of how, whether they know it or not, men who are successful withwomen CREATE that success for themselves – not through luck or good fortune.Tiffany Taylor is the female author of GuyGetsGirl, a special guide for men that reveals all the dirtytricks women play on guys each and every day. And, most importantly, how men can turn the tables onwomen by using special psychological techniques to attract and seduce them, anywhere, anytime…effortlessly.Making A Great First Impression On WomenBy Tiffany TaylorALWAYS look your best. I know this sounds REALLY obvious but you'd be surprised by how manymen don't understand the importance of this simple tip. You never know when the girl of your dreamswill turn up, or where. And it’s become a bit of a cliché because it’s true -- first impressions really docount.Here are some figures to consider from my studies.If you make a GOOD first impression on a woman, you have a 90% chance of EVER getting with herat that point (10% of women for whatever reason will be unreachable for most men at ANY point – shemight like women herself etc).If you make a BAD first impression your chances with her reduce drastically to just 20%. This meansthat to make her attracted to you AFTER the first 3 minutes of meeting her will be incredibly difficult ifher first impressions of you were bad.It’s the difference between climbing a mountain and using a helicopter to fly up one. Good firstimpressions means you’re on your way to the top in the helicopter, bad first impressions means youhave a difficult climb to success – no helicopters for you.Honestly, I can't stress this enough -- always try to look your best.Tiff’s 5 S’s of first impressions.Shave. Shower. Stylish. Smell. Shoes.Remember these 5 S’s and always take care of them before you go out.Why are shoes my number 5 S?Your shoes are the FIRST thing a woman really notices about your clothing and hence yourappearance. Make sure your shoes are clean and fashionable.What you wear is very important. I could try to recommend a certain look but as with all thingsfashionable by the time you read this it may have changed.Get the latest GQ magazine or other fashionable men's magazine's and imitate the styles you see there-- most women don't really care what labels you are wearing as long as you look good so you don'thave to spend the Earth on clothing.Many guys I help dress better usually comment on how strange they feel wearing clothes they areuncomfortable in, but nine times out of 10 they start to feel natural and even confident wearing theirnew wardrobe within days.Make sure you smell good. Again this is extremely important. Remember how you feel when awoman walks by you and she smells soooo good - you feel an instant attraction even though you don'tknow her - well, that's how women feel too.Wear a good-quality cologne, but don't spray too much.One squirt on both sides of the neck, and one squirt on both wrists -- maximum. You don't want tosmell too overpowering.I recommend cool water by Davidoff or John Paul Gautier for Men (often called JPG love juicebecause women love it) if they don’t sell it where you are try to order some from abroad, this stuff isGREAT!And here's a GREAT little SECRET that I have found will help you actually pickup about 24% ofwomen without SAYING a word to them! Not a single word! And NO rejection either. You won't findthis anywhere else either. What you need to do is...By Tiffany TaylorClick Here To Read More Tips From HerGuys: Body Language Basics For Seducing WomenBy Tiffany TaylorBody language is VERY important. According to studies carried out over 50% of your communicationcomes from your body language – what you DON’T say and less then 8% of your communicationcomes from what you DO say.What does this mean to you?It is MORE important to pay careful attention to HOW you say things, and HOW you stand and HOWyou act than it is to WHAT you say (at least initially).You see, you could have the BEST game in the world and be able to really get any woman to like youloads, for example online, but if you used those same successful techniques in the real world andlacked obvious confidence, lacked eye contact etc – You would simply CRASH and BURN.Honestly, body language is SOOOO important in attracting women. Later in the course we’ll go intohow you can use the female’s body language to READ her mind and know what she’s thinking. Thisarticle is about YOUR body language.Ok… So, I’ll cover the basics as the advanced stuff is beyond the scope of this article (if you wantmore advanced detail concerning body language you can check out my site: guygetsgirl.com).Body language basics:1. SmileYou have to make the female feel at ease and comfortable that you are a friendly and fun guy and youare not a psycho as quick as possible. Especially when talking to her for the first time. You also need tolet her know that you are confident and comfortable around women. A big and genuine smile is the bestway to do this. It works. In fact, if you ever get an Ice Queen that you can tell is about to give you the“dead eye”, give her a big smile. Practice smiling at random people. You’ll be surprised by how manypeople smile back and at how many doors open to you. Smiling WORKS. Just don’t make it a cheesy,fake smile ;)2. Eye contactAs you know there’s nothing worse than staring at a woman’s chest – or even looking. It makes youjust like all the other guys who drool over her. If anything you should use all your skill to NOT look ather chest – she’ll wonder why her womanly powers don’t work with you and she’ll seek your attentionand subconsciously TRY to get you to look!When talking to her, try to maintain eye contact. Not too much because it can be intimidating, but ifyou aim to have eye contact with her around 70% of the time you are talking, this should becomfortable for most women. Don’t stare like a crazy man, just be natural but if you naturally lookaway or are slightly shy when it comes to eye contact, make a conscious effort to have a little more.Eye contact can make serious connections within people. They say the eyes are a window to the souland I think there may be some truth to that. There are even speed dating type events being run thatinvolve just staring into each others eyes – and from what I hear, they are pretty successful.Maintain eye contact. Not too much, about 70% of conversation time. Be natural.3. Upright postureGuys can get away with a bit of a hunch, but women really do prefer men with straight, uprightpostures. Look at all the big film actors like Pitt, Cruise etc. They all have good posture. It says to awoman you are confident, healthy, and strong (at least in mind). It’s just generally more attractive andsays lots about who you are. Plus it’s good for your back and will help strengthen your back musclesmaking it easier to maintain.Get into the HABIT of having an upright posture.4. Gesticulate with open palmsYou will not hear this tip anywhere else (or if you do, it was almost certainly copied from this course).I’ve gone into in depth studies of body language and this one is a good one to use in MANYcircumstances – I’ve adapted it here after solid testing to picking up women – however, some peoplesuggest that when combined with a few other verbal and non-verbal techniques it can even give you a50/50 chance of getting out of speeding fines!Anyway, basically, when you are talking to a woman and trying to make a point (that puts you in apositive light) or defend yourself (for example, a girl suggests you might be a player) you talk andusing your hands you have open palms facing upwards. Keep your arms in front of your body withyour palms facing the sky and smile as you talk.It works VERY well on a subconscious level to suggest you are being honest and telling the truth. Andif you want a woman to begin to trust you, making her think you are being straight with her, isimportant.This open palm gesticulation MUST be combined with a smile to work effectively.Those are the basics of body language, if you'd like to learn more visit Tiffany Taylor's site by clickinghereHow To Approach Groups Of Girls You Don't Know, And Get Them To Think You're Great!By Tiffany TaylorFor this example I’m going to use women at a bar. I will be going into lots of other techniques for nonbarpickups too but for now, we’ll stick with this.(Note: In fact, I even recommend you try my top places for picking up that are not bars – they areWAAAAAAAY better than ANY bar and you’ll see a massive leap in your success rates with women.)As you know, women don’t usually go to bars on their own. They go in groups.Approaching GROUPS of women can be extremely daunting and if you don’t know what you’re doing,you can fail BADLY with groups and like a pack of wolves they can rip you apart. I’ve seen men getcussed at, totally ignored and even drinks poured over them.But if you do the approach RIGHT, then your success with a group of women can usually yield greatresults.Whenever I suggest approaching groups of women I get LOADS of guys looking at me as though I’mfrom another planet. I realize that lots of guys probably don’t have the initial confidence to simply walkup to beautiful women they don’t know. Don’t worry, this can be easily solved. I’ll give you somesimple tips here.SIDE NOTE: If you have a major confidence problem then don’t worry, I have an advanced 155-pageE-book called HypnoDate which almost exclusively goes into increasing your confidence with women– and it works through the power of self-reprogramming so it doesn’t matter how shy you are, thisthing WILL work for you. It’s a bonus product in my site member’s area that comes with my book atno extra charge.INCREASING CONFIDENCE EXERCISE IN THE MALLStep 1. Walk around the shopping mall and when you catch a woman’s eye, smile at her – more oftenthan not, she’ll smile back. To start with you can do this just with shop employees. Even if they don’tWANT to smile, they probably will. Good practice. And you might even brighten a few women’s livesa little.Step 2. Once you’ve gained confidence in making natural eye contact and a smile with staff, you couldmove onto other women in the mall. I’m not suggesting big weird freak smiles, just nice, naturalfriendly ones. A lot of women will smile back at you.Step 3. Here’s where it might seem a little weird, but this really does help and practice and repetitionwill make this lots easier. Just say “hi” with a smile to women (and men if you like) as you walk aroundthe mall. It will feel HORRIBLE at first if you are not confident but slowly, after an hour or two, it’llseem easy.After you’ve smiled and said hi to 20 or 30 women, you should start to feel good (as long as you don’tquit on your first negative response – this will happen and will happen when you’re approachingwomen to pick them up – you HAVE to learn to step out of your comfort zone if you want to besuccessful with women).One of my male friends did the “smile at girls in the mall” technique and he actually ended up meeting the girl of his dreams and is still with her 3 years later – how’s that for effective!There are loads of other techniques you can do to build your confidence, most not quite as scary as the mall one. I go into others within my book…Right, let’s assume you now have the confidence or at least the guts to approach women you don’t know in a bar (Again, I don’t just go into bar pickups in my book, in fact, I think the best places to pick up women are NOT in a bar – I think it’s everyday places where you’re not competing with other single guys).Firstly, let’s suppose two girls are sat together at a bar. One is the ‘ugly’ one and one is the hot one (the one you like the looks of and would like to get to know more).You see the girls. Go up to them and talk to them NOW! Don’t waste time. Within 3 seconds of seeing them, approach them. Some people call this the 3 second rule and I must say it really does seem to work.If you see her and like her, it’s best not to think too much about the approach, or you’re more likely to work yourself into such a state that your approach will be ineffective or you’ll just pussy out altogether!(Don’t worry I’ll tell you WHAT to say when you get there in a future lesson). So within 3 seconds, go TALK to her!ALWAYS, ALWAYS approach a woman from the side or an angle from the front. !!!NEVER frombehind – IMPORTANT!!!If you go up to the group at the bar and approach from behind you will INSTANTLY invoke a negative response, and they will be put on the defensive - for obvious reasons. ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS go in from the side...Like to learn more about how to meet, attract and seduce beautiful women?

Sound of voice may predict sexual behavior

2007-12-13T13:06:00.000-08:00

New research findings suggest that the sound of a person's voice may predict his or her level of sexual activity.

Men and women whose voices were given higher ratings in attractiveness reported having more sex partners and were younger at first intercourse than those whose voices were considered less attractive.

"Thus, the sound of an individual's voice can reveal important information to potential mates," study author Dr. Susan M. Hughes of Vassar College in Poughkeepsie, New York told Reuters Health.

In the study, 149 men and women listened to recorded voices of anonymous individuals and rated the voices on a five-point scale, from "very unattractive" to "very attractive." On average, six men and six women rated each voice. Study participants also underwent measurements of their shoulders, waists and hips and some anonymously reported various details about their sexual history.

When the researchers compared voice ratings with sexual histories, they found that men and women whose voices were considered more attractive by opposite sex raters reported younger ages at first sexual intercourse, more sex partners and more sexual affairs than did those with less attractive voices.

Voice attractiveness predicted promiscuity in women better than did their waist-to-hip ratio, Hughes and her colleagues report in the September issue of Evolution and Human Behavior. Among men, however, the shoulder-to-hip ratio was a better predictor of promiscuity.

That said, not all women with attractive voices are promiscuous, but "promiscuous females tend to have more attractive voices," co-author Dr. Gordon G. Gallup Jr., of the University at Albany, State University of New York, told Reuters Health.

Women with the most attractive voices, according to opposite sex raters, tended to have smaller waists relative to their hips, whereas men whose voices were rated as more attractive -- regardless of the sex of the rater -- tended to have broader shoulders and narrower hips.

"Voice is shaped and modified by certain hormones, such as testosterone, and these same hormones also play a role in influencing both sexual drive as well as the sex-specific changes in body shape that occur during puberty," Hughes said. "Therefore, the link between voice, body configuration, and sexual behavior may be due to similar hormonal influences, attractiveness promoting sexual opportunity, or both."

During human evolutionary history, voice may have also played a role in how men and women made reproductive-related decisions, particularly at nighttime, the report indicates.

"The sound of a person's voice could have become an important indicator of other biologically relevant information," Gallup Jr. said.

Other researchers have reported an association between facial attractiveness and sperm quality in men and facial attractiveness and longevity in men and women. That is, men who were judged to be more attractive tended to have a higher number of sperm and more mobile sperm than their less attractive peers. The most attractive men and women were also found to live longer than those considered less attractive.

Thus, the authors write, "voice attractiveness may be an indicator (albeit indirect) of other fitness-related features as well."

As men and women search for Mr. or Ms. Right, the current findings suggest that people should not "combine a 'blind' date with a 'deaf' date," Gallup said.

"Given the importance of voice as a dimension along which important features may vary," he said, men and women should not agree to a blind date without first having at least one telephone conversation.

How to Seduce a Woman Using ‘Deflection Theory’

2007-09-09T15:26:00.000-07:00

There’s something that often happens when you’re out playing the ‘seduction game’ – that is, when you’re actively looking out for girls you think you’d like to hook-up with. Many men have experiencedit, and many thousands of men still do experience it when they themselves are out playing the game. Itusually goes something like this: you’re in a group, talking to a couple of girls. You’re with a friend ortwo, perhaps having drinks in a bar or at a party. You’ve got your eye on one girl in the group inparticular and want to make something happen, make a bit of a connection. Thing is, she’s proving the hardest to connect to – sure, she smiles and talks to you nicely and politely, but she’s not returning your flirtatious gestures and comments much, if at all. It’s like she’s playing hard to get or something, whereas her female friends seem to be much more playful and flirty.

This doesn’t happen because you aren’t her type or just because sometimes these things happen (ordon’t) – there’s a different, special reason the girl you’re interested in doesn’t appear to be interested inyou and it’s got a lot to do with psychology and social standing. You see, when you show you’re interested in a good-looking girl who’s with her friends, you inadvertently bump up her ego and feeling of self-worth. She knows you’ve chosen and are most interested in her and likes this feeling of elevated importance. However, she also knows that if she reacts by becoming really flirty and obviously attracted to YOU, she’ll lose the higher social value she has over her friends (probably the reason you targeted her in the first place), so she therefore maintains her unattainable, “I’m a bit too good for you”status.

However, you can blow this problem out of the water by using DEFLECTION THEORY. You turn the situation on its head and reverse the psychology of your target female by deflecting your attention AWAY from her and ONTO one or more of her friends. When you show her friends (who have lower social value/worth than your target female) more attention and affection, you challenge her ego. So, in an effort to regain her superiority in the hierarchy of her circle of friends, the girl you’re really interested in, will subconsciously invest much MORE interest in you by flirting and being playful. As so many women do, she gives into wanting what she feels she cannot have – and, of course, you’ll be happy to have her. She is, after all, the hottest of the group and the one you wanted in the first place. Here’s how to deflect your attention onto one of her friends to make her (the girl you want) feel as if her ego has been challenged and thus make her feel an instant and undeniable desire to get your attention and “win” you back.

1. Use strong eye contact when talking to all of the girls. However, when you’re talking to your target female, occasionally glance away and towards one of the other girls (who will probably be talking amongst themselves or to your friend/friends if you’re with any) and give a slight smile before looking back at your target. This jackhammers a sense of competition into the subconscious mind of the girl you’re really interested in and immediately makes her want to fight for your attention.

2. Casually make physical contact with her friends more than her. For example, touch them on the side of their arm to get their attention or when laughing and joking.

3. When sitting down or standing around talking as a group, face slightly more (as in, the direction of your body/torso) in the direction of one of her friends more than her.

Using deflection theory to challenge a girl you’re interested in’s ego and therefore make her want you more is just one psychological technique you can use to boost your pick-up game. Combine it with others and you maximize your success with the opposite sex in ways most men have and never will experience. You can be the guy that gets the girl!

How to Attract A Woman: The Best Ways to Handle Physical Contact

2007-09-09T15:20:00.000-07:00

Touching/physical contact is an absolutely vital component of seduction. You can’t successfully
pick-up a girl without first establishing a basic level of mutual tactility – I.E. Before you can move in for the kill by kissing and/or sleeping with her, you MUST first have a regular, healthy amount of touching that works both ways: she flirtatiously puts her hand on your knee, you encircle her waist with your arm and pull her a little closer – whatever form the physical contact takes, it has to be present for you to achieve your final goal of actual seduction. And that right there is where the problem for many men lies: how can a guy get the ball rolling when it comes to tactility and physical closeness? If the grl’s not being tactile, how can a guy develop mutual physical closeness without freaking her out or caring her away?

Often men just “go for it” and consequently end up making the girl feel uncomfortable or even slightly violated because of their rushed attempt at physical closeness. Other men decide they don’t want to risk putting a girl off, so hold back any kind of touching or bodily contact – doing so usually sends out the wrong message, that the guy is either not interested in the girl, or that he’s simply too timid to show it, neither of which are attractive scenarios in the mind of a good-looking, fun-loving girl. Okay, so what’s the solution to this awkward problem?

Quite simply, you just need to follow a few basic rules or procedures, all of which conform to the
personal boundaries of most girl (and therefore don’t appear uncalled for or rushed) but at the same time clearly indicate that you’re a confident guy who’s not afraid of getting to know girls and even showing it through casual, relaxed physical contact. So, let’s take a look.

1. Many men think that touching a girl in any way when they first meet them is an absolute no-no. But that’s simply not true. To form a positive, strong first impression and create an immediate bond with a girl when you first introduce yourself or get talking, casually and gently touch the outside of her right arm while at the same time verbally expressing something. The outside of a woman’s arm is not intimate enough a place for the touch to feel strange or out-of-place, but at the same time it’s a clear-cut sign that you’re a personable, socially adept kind of guy. Don’t be afraid to give it a try – you’ll notice the benefits immediately.

2. Once you’ve started a conversation with a girl, or when you randomly find yourself chatting to a woman you really like the look of, it’s important to keep up the physical contact. Doing so helps
maintain the bond and rapport you’ve already created and also helps build it further, into mutually felt sexual attraction. You can use something called ‘Stealth Tactility’ to do this. Quite simply, stealth tactility involves making physical contact with the girl in a disguised way. For example, if she wants to go to the bar or bathroom but doesn’t know the way, you can use stealth tactility by placing your hand on her shoulder, drawing her in a little closer, swivelling both of your bodies round until you face in the right direction, then point past other people or obstacles with your other hand to where she needs to go.

3. Lastly, always try to use a ‘contact close’ when you finish your conversation with a girl. For
example, after swapping numbers or arranging to meet again, give her a kiss on the cheek or a hug and a kiss. Many men think that the hard work’s been done once something’s been arranged for a later date, but making physical contact before you part with a girl is always a great way of ensuring she remembers you and really cannot wait to see you again.

Tiffany Taylor is the female author of GuyGetsGirl, a special guide that reveals for the first time what goes on the minds of women AND how men can use special psychological and social techniques to attract and seduce them – regardless of their looks, bank balance or the car they drive.

How to break up with a guy

2007-08-23T12:44:00.000-07:00

By Dan Bova

Let’s face it, there are no easy ways to end a relationship. But if you understand what really makes men tick, there are ways to make it a little less horrible. Here are some insider tips from the mouths of the broken-hearted — and some love gurus — on how to let a guy down easy. Use them next time you need a send a fella packin’.

Be definitive
When telling a guy that it is over, be clear that it is absolutely, positively O-V-E-R. “Sometimes we may be inclined to leave the door open — either to leave options open for ourselves or to soften the blow of the breakup for the other person — but this is dangerous territory,” says April Masini, author of Date Out of Your League. It might seem nice to offer the possibility that one day in the future, you two will find your way back into each other’s arms, but all this does is give the poor sap false hope. And with false hope come drunken calls at 3 a.m. asking if you’re ready to take him back yet. “Make it clear that he needs to move on,” says John Seeley, M.A., author of Get Unstuck! The Simple Guide to Restart Your Life. “Guys would rather hear the truth and then know what they need to do to move forward in their lives.”

Don’t let him be the last to know
Sure, talking through your feelings with a friend can be helpful when working up the courage to break things off, but try to limit yourself to how many people hear the test-run of your dumping speech. Eventually, some one is going to blab, and as any guy will tell you, being the last to know that you’ve been dumped is not fun. “My best friend told me that he heard my girlfriend was thinking of breaking up with me,” says Dave, 32, from Long Island, NY. “I later found out that all of my friends knew before I did. I was so pissed off and humiliated. I felt like the biggest fool on earth, walking around telling every one how in love I was, and all of them knowing she was about to can me. It was the worst.”

Don’t use a keyboard
The Internet is great for many things: Locating discount airfares, paying credit card bills, wasting hundreds of hours looking at weird sites; the list goes on and on. But one thing that is not on that list and never should be is dropping a boyfriend like a bad habit. “My ex dumped me twice online,” says Chris, 31, from Washington, MO. “Once by email after we’d spent the weekend together; the second time over IM. At least ‘woman up’ and tell me in person!” Seriously, canceling a relationship like a credit card will put you in his Worst Girlfriend Hall of Fame for life. “Answering machine, emails, Post-its and faxes are not cool ways to break up,” says April Masini. “If you’ve spent more than three dates with the person — or if you’ve slept together — you owe him a face-to-face sit-down.” If you’re a total coward, the phone can be an acceptable termination device—but only for short-term relationships.

Steer clear of fake excuses
OK, you don’t have to tell someone point-blank that he is boring, weird, smelly or all of the above, but lying your way out of a relationship is almost always going to backfire. He’ll feel twice as bad when he learns the truth, and you’ll feel like an idiot. “I went out a few times with this chick, and we talked a few times afterward,” says John, 34, from Virginia. “She worked as a government contractor at a submarine base and told me she’d been accepted to a top-secret program in Arizona that would last at least six months. Long story short: She was lying, and I bumped into her a month later. And this was after we had a conversation about how lame it was when people couldn’t be honest!” If you want either one of you to maintain your dignity, tell him the truth. You don’t have to be brutally honest, though. “I just don’t feel a connection with you” is a perfectly good way of saying, “You are too ugly” or “I didn’t know someone could kiss that badly.”

Be brief
“Keep it short and sweet,” says Stephany Alexander, relationship expert at womansavers.com. Unless you’ve been together for years and years, no breakup should last more than 30 minutes. You don’t need to give him every reason you want to end things: Just name one or two major problems, and be done with it. The last thing you want is having him interpret your litany of ways he’s a loser as things he can change to win you back. Make it clear that this isn’t a negotiation. It may seem cruel to be brusque, but like ripping off a Band-Aid, the faster you do it, the faster you’ll feel better.

Avoid the drama
A guy with wounded pride and hurt feelings can get verbally abusive. Try to diffuse the situation with silence. “Don’t engage with him,” says April Masini. “Listen. Be quiet. Don’t respond.” Don’t fuel the fire by defending yourself. Let him get it all out, then leave. If you’re worried that the guy might hurt himself or someone else in the wake of your breakup, call a counselor or a police officer. Trying to take on a dangerous situation by yourself is just that—dangerous.

Secure a break-up buddy
“Breaking up can be overwhelming,” says April Masini, “and it may cause you to want to call your ex for contact or comfort. After you break up, have plans to meet with a friend. Debrief over lunch and a movie.” Remove his number from your cell phone while you’re at it. Post-break-up conversations tend to lead to post-break-up sex, and next thing you know, you’re having brunch together and wondering how the heck you wound up with this guy again. If you want to touch base to see how he’s doing, give it a couple of months at least. If he’s still sweet on you, any contact (no matter how innocent) is going to be interpreted as a ray of hope that love will spring again.

Dan Bova is executive editor of Stuff magazine.

How to break up with a woman

2007-08-23T12:39:00.000-07:00

Breakups suck. There’s no other way to put it. But keep in mind that what happens in the moments before, during and after you deliver those three little words (“This isn’t working”) will forever determine how you’re remembered. Will you be that great guy she remembers wistfully… or the jerk she can’t believe she ever dated?

Unless there has been some egregious violation of the dating code — she did something so unforgivable you get a free pass to behave like an idiot — most women would ask for one thing: End it like a man, not a frat boy. “Dumping someone is never fun but if you’re clear about why your relationship has to end and you know that it’s time, you owe it to the woman to make the break,” says dating guru David Wygant, founder of www.flirtdaily.com. “Just be kind, honest within reason, and brief.”

With that in mind, we decided to gather input from women and experts about the best way to let a gal go.

Don’t do a disappearing act. Sadly this is an all too common tactic with men, but listen up… it’s just not cool. “My friends and I agree there’s nothing worse than fading away into oblivion!” says Stacey, 29, from Pensacola, FL. “Then the girl is left just wondering and waiting.” Women need some sort of closure, and you owe her some kind of explanation before you decide to vanish.
Do consider the timing. Though it’s not totally your responsibility to see how she survives the breakup, you can help ease the transition by considering when you break the news. “It’s thoughtful and courteous to be aware of what is going on in her life,” says JoAnn Magdoff, Ph.D., a psychotherapist in New York City, NY. In other words, don’t be an extra-special jerk by delivering the news when she’s already going through a rough patch. If she lost her job yesterday, give it a little time before having the big talk.
Don’t rely on technology. We live in a world of cell phones, Blackberries, and IMs, which means it’s easier than ever to get in touch with each other. But, please don’t use it as a way to escape confrontation. “Using technology to break up is a cowardly act—it means you don’t have the balls to face me,” says Kerry, 37, from Portsmouth, NH. “If you liked me enough to kiss me, sleep with me, have a romance with me, then I think the very least you can do is honor that connection by ending it in person.”
Do give her face time. You may be tempted to deliver the news and then get the heck out of there, but there’s nothing worse than bringing up the subject when you don’t have adequate time to discuss it. Yes, that means you will have to talk to her and you might have to witness some tears, but it’s the right thing to do. “My ex broke up with me by meeting me for a drink, and we had a very open and civilized conversation,” says Gigi, 39, from New York, NY. “Yes, it still hurt, but because of the classy way he handled it, we didn’t lose our friendship, too.”
Do choose your location wisely. There’s no reason to break the news behind closed doors—but a bit of privacy is a good thing. What you shouldn’t do is deliver the news someplace where she’ll lose dignity. “If you’re at a party surrounded by friends where everyone will see her if she bursts into tears, that’s not a good call,” says Wygant. “This is between the two of you, not your whole posse.” Wygant also suggests staying away from your favorite haunt or where you had your first date or anywhere that will evoke painful memories. Think neutral, think semi-private, and let her save face.
Don’t be too honest. Women need “reasons” so they can accept the breakup and move on. But there’s one big caveat… don’t be spiteful or hurtful. “Getting broken up with is insulting at some level and just being rejected feels bad enough. So why make the person feel worse?” says Laurie Puhn, J.D., author of Instant Persuasion: How to Change Your Words to Change Your Life. No woman wants to hear that you’re dumping her because she has bad breath or she’s no longer attractive to you or you’re insanely attracted to her best friend. These kinds of reflections shouldn’t be shared: “You’re no longer entitled to give advice or criticism because you aren’t her boyfriend anymore,” says Puhn. Instead, your reasons for breaking up should focus on how you two aren’t the right match. Try saying something like “Both of us are good people, but I don’t think we’re the right fit together.”
Don’t hedge. You start to deliver the news, you see her lip quiver, and you think, Oh no, she’s going to cry. Should you attempt to soften the blow by saying “Well, there might be a chance for us in the future but right now the timing isn’t good” or “Maybe when things quiet down at work” or “I think I just need a break”? No, no, no! Giving a woman a false sense of hope will not help her heal. “If you know it’s over, spare her the agony of pretending that you might call her sometime when you won’t,” says Dr. Magdoff. “If you really aren’t certain about the future, you can say ‘I’m not sure, but please don’t hold your breath…’”
Don’t freak if she gets emotional. We’re reputed to be the more sensitive sex, remember? So yes, there’s a chance that your gal might start sobbing or screaming or otherwise emoting (and you need to let her). “If she gets hostile or weepy, stay calm and let her get angry or hysterical for a little while; remember, you’ve been thinking about the breakup for weeks, she heard about it 10 seconds ago,” says Puhn. If she gets more and more worked up as the minutes pass, however, take your leave and give her some down time to adjust to the new information. “Before walking away, however, set a specific time to talk later to give her security that you’re willing to explain yourself and listen to what she has to say when she’s calmed down,” Puhn adds.
Don’t use the “It’s not you, it’s me” line. Everyone knows if someone leaves you it’s because you’re not who they want and that’s the bottom line. “Anyone on the receiving end of this line can see through it,” says Magdoff. She suggests a better phrase to utter might be, “Who you are and what you want are absolutely terrific, but where I am right now is a very different place.”
Do break up with her before starting anything else! That’s called cheating! And if you intentionally stray in an effort to make her break up with you, you’re a chicken and deserve whatever reaction you get! Also, forget about using the “I’ve met someone else” escape clause. Introducing a new love into a breakup discussion only tortures your soon-to-be ex. “After three years together, my boyfriend ended it with me over the phone by saying he’d met another woman on his trip to Europe,” says Jenny, 30, from Seattle, WA. “I spent the next two years wondering, What’s it like for them? Is it different from when he and I were together? Do they order the same kind of takeout? Do they listen to the same music we listened to? Do they laugh as much? Do they laugh more? And what makes her so much more appealing than me?” Get the point? Mentioning another woman really hurts and intensifies the pain.
Do keep in touch, but only on special occasions. Calling just to check up on her in a week or a month is not really helpful. It just confuses things and catapults you back into the forefront of her mind. There is one exception here though… the special occasion. “If it’s her birthday or a holiday and you were very close, then it is sweet to call to wish her well,” says Puhn. However, don’t call to make plans, don’t call to discuss sensitive issues and don’t talk for longer than 10 minutes. “Be acquaintances and keep in mind that acquaintances rarely talk more than twice a year,” says Puhn.
Don’t engage in break-up sex. We know… it’s comfortable, she’s vulnerable, and you think one more time won’t hurt anything. Wrong. When you get intimate she’ll be reminded of the amazing physical connection you two had, and suddenly you’re right back in it. Do you really want to go through another breakup? Ex sex doesn’t end things…it just drags it out.
Do reassure her. One final point—let her know that she mattered. Puhn suggests saying something like “I enjoyed being with you, and I value the time we spent together, but we just aren’t right for the long run.” She needs to know that you didn’t consider her ‘a waste of time’ or unimportant. That will help her risk giving her heart to someone else in the future.

Kimberly Dawn Neumann is a New York City-based freelance writer whose work has appeared in Cosmopolitan, Maxim, Marie Claire and frequently for msn.com.

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